MSN informed me today that September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day (let’s not mock it and read that the world is itself suicidal…!) I didn’t know there was such a day.
Current news is calling for a change in terminology; to “commit” suicide “suggests suicide is a crime and suicidal thoughts are a sin.” I’ve not thought about this before, but my counter-thought is that to “commit” is to “commit to” in that someone with suicidal thoughts becomes obsessed with/committed to carrying out the act, and all other rational thinking gets clouded out.
I’ve never been suicidal myself, I think because my desire to surpass 100 years of age is my guiding force, but I have been depressed to the point where my life seems to have gotten into a rut, or I’ve set myself on a path for which I see no way out or no way to make it different and better. Like, work is what it is, I don’t seem to have any close friends beside from my siblings, and a romantic relationship seems to be not on the cards for that guiding hand of fate that I rely on for such things. I might be too passive I suppose; no get-up-and-go about such things.
I have wondered if my depressive thoughts are due to fatigue, and if fatigue is what I have been suffering all along when I feel a lack of motivation. And, is fatigue not necessarily about overdoing what I enjoy, like running and cycling, but due to a mineral deficiency or underlying health issues; I’ve been focussing on these things a fair bit recently.
What I tend to think is that depressive thoughts are exhausting and even when one is on a good diet if such thoughts persist they’ll deplete the body’s reserves either way. And what about if someone is on a ‘bad’ diet, like eating copious amounts of meat that came from unhappy animals? I know people who eat poor diets who seem plenty happy; what gives!?
I’ve had times where I’m laying in bed at night and then I become aware that my meandering thoughts have become very negative, like I end up having an imaginary confrontation with someone (perhaps equally imaginative), and I wonder “why am I thinking like this?” and I make the conscious effort to snap out of it. Why does this happen? Is it not just an imbalance in my head but one caused the food I’ve consumed before going to bed? Or maybe I’ve got a physical ache or pain somewhere that’s gone ignored and so my mind responds in an emotionally stressed out way instead.
I’m aware that the world can be a lonely place for some of us; I can sit by myself on a beach front and have a line of strangers walk past me and not even acknowledge I’m even there – I became conscious of this recently when I was sat by the sea front – some people even walked so close to my feet that not only did I think “someone is going to trip here” but “do they even know I’m here!?” and that they were even invading my personal space by walking so close. I felt invisible.
I think there are two type of suicidal people; ones that are just craving attention and talk about hurting themselves or doing something drastic without thinking it through, and those that perhaps suffer quietly on their own, and end up drawn into these thoughts, towards the point of no return when that “commitment” becomes the guiding force. They just need someone or something to snap them out of it.
With the first camp, the antisocial and uncaring side of me tends to ignore them and wants them to “grow up” or get on with it because they constant wallowing only works to drag everyone around them down with them. Like someone that needs to go on a diet, knows they need to go on a diet, agrees with you with you during that conversation about dieting… whilst consuming an unhealthy snack. I suppose I’m not so helpful in this regard.